


The Peter Parker Protection Posse

by RhymeReason



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: ?? ig uess?, Everyone Loves Peter Parker, Everyone Torments Tony Stark, Everyone also teases peter relentlessly, Fluff, Gen, Karen Also Says Fuck, Peter says Fuck, Texting, Trans Peter Parker, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, chat fic, curse words
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16609862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhymeReason/pseuds/RhymeReason
Summary: Ned: well, uh, mister stark sir, uh, i made this chat to uh, help keep peter in check and help keep him safe because i think we all know that he can be kind of…..dumb?





	1. The Start

**Author's Note:**

> okay, ive seen quite a few chat fics and while they are great and i love them, they are all missing smthing very important and that is Peter's family being stupidly protective of him and wanting to help him however they can  
> plus, tony,ned,mj and may all need to interact more because peter is really important to all of them and they need to bond over that  
> enjoy!

**-MJ added Ned and Peter to chat-**

**MJ:** so, spiderman, huh

**Peter:** uhh...what do you mean?

**Ned:** yeah mj, what are you talking about????????????

**MJ:** i got tired of waiting for you to tell me

**MJ:** also, ned, that was too many question marks

**MJ:** besides, you two were pretty obvious

**Ned:** no we aren't!!!

**MJ:** ned you literally have peters number saved as ‘my best friend spiderman’ on your phone.

**Ned:** oh

**MJ:** speaking of peter, @peter why are you so quiet about this

**Ned:** oh um, hes curled up in a ball on his bed? I think you freaked him out?

**MJ:** rip

**Peter:** no, i'm totally fine what are you two talking about hahahahahaahhahahahaha

**Ned:** .....

**MJ:** ......

**Peter:** okay so maybe i was freaked out by another person figuring out my identity? Is that such a crime?

**Ned:** no!

**MJ:** yes

**Ned:** well, whatever!

**Ned:** well, now that MJ knows, I can officially make this what i've wanted forever!

**-Ned has changed the chat name to ThePeterParkerProtectionPosse-**

**Peter:** oh my god

**-Ned has added May to ThePeterParkerProtectionPosse-**

**Peter:** oh my god

**MJ:** lol

**May:** well, isn’t this fun?

**May:** it's about time someone made one of these. Thank you, Ned!

**Ned:**  no problem, may

**May:** y’know, I think there is one more person that should be added to this chat……

**Peter:** oh my god may no, please, i beg of you, don't add-

**-May added Tony Stark to ThePeterParkerProtectionPosse-**

**Peter:** oh my god

**Ned:** oh my god!!!!

**MJ:** holy shit

**May:** Hey Tony!

**Tony:** Hey May

**Tony:** What...exactly is this?

**May:** Well, Ned made it so I better let him explain :-)

**Ned:** well, uh, mister stark sir, uh, i made this chat to uh, help keep peter in check and help keep him safe because i think we all know that he can be kind of…..dumb? like, hes still super smart and everything but he doesn't know how to take care of himself at all so i figured that we could maybe help him? And we can all help him better if we are all in touch with each other, right?

**Tony:** ...

**Tony:** Not a bad idea. Might be helpful to know what the kid is doing when he's not wearing the suit. 

**Tony:** Speaking of him, what is he doing right now? He hasn't said anything to me yet in this chat

**Tony:** I'm very offended.

**Ned:** he went back to being curled up in a ball, this time under his comforter

**MJ:** haha, we broke peter

**Peter:** ….

**Peter:** hi mister stark

**Tony:** There you go kid

**Tony:** I might be able to interface with chat with Karen now that I think about it. That way the emergency notifications that would usually just go to FRIDAY would also appear here.

**MJ:** whose karen

**Ned:** the AI in peters suit! shes super cool and nice!

**Peter:** i really don't think this is necessary…...i don't get in that much trouble

**Ned:** uh..dude

**MJ:** damn parker, you really are dumb 

**May:** Pete, you have given more grey hairs in the last year and a half than being a nurse has given me in the last 10 years

**Tony** : Seconded.

**Peter:** why do i feel like this chat will very quickly become all of you just being mean to me?

**MJ:** oh it definitely will 

**MJ:** i will make sure of it

**Tony:** you're ruthless, kid

**MJ:** thanks

**May:** All of the meanness will come from a place of love :-)

**Tony:** I don't know about that, May

**Tony:** Kid is kind of a shithead

**Peter:** :((

**May:** Tony! 

**May:** I mean, it is true but hey, don’t be mean to my kid

**Tony** : We both know hes my kid too at this point, May

**Tony:** Which means I can be mean to him if I wanna be

**Peter:** adfhhafkafkfljflfakjfafahj

**Tony:** You good, kid?

**Ned:** hes fine, he just got excited that you referred to him as your kid and then fell off his bed

**MJ:** what a dumbass

**Ned:** true

**Peter** : i hate this family


	2. Hello Karen!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karen: Peter Has Instructed Me Not To Inform You That He Has Been Stabbed In The Shoulder But That He Is “totally super fine”

**Tony:** okay, i've interfaced Karen to this chat

**Tony:** This way, we can get updates from the Spider Suit like location,current activity and stuff like that on request and emergency updates too. It will also allow Peter to access this chat to give us updates if he wants. 

**Tony:** Karen, say hello.

**Karen:** Hello Everyone. 

**Ned:** omg hi karen!

**MJ:** hey karen

**MJ:** so you said she can tell us stuff on command?

**Tony:** Yes, you just have to ask her

**MJ:** cool

**MJ:** hey karen, where is peter right now?

**Karen:** Peter Is Currently Helping A Cat Out Of A Tree In Central Park.

**MJ:** jeez

**MJ:** thats sappy as shit parker

**MJ:** don't you have anything better to do?

**Peter:** i mean, not really? it’s pretty quiet right now…..

**Peter:** scratch that theres a bank robbery over on grand, see you later!

**MJ:** lol bye

**MJ:** nice going stark, that is actually pretty handy

**Tony:** You’re welcome

**Ned:** thats so cool mister stark!

**Ned:** can she talk to us and peter at the same time???

**Tony:** Yeah. She would be pretty useless otherwise.

**MJ:** valid

**Karen:** Peter Has Instructed Me Not To Inform You That He Has Been Stabbed In The Shoulder But That He Is “totally super fine” 

**Tony:** KID

**Ned:** peter are you okay????

**Peter:** i am fine!! the dude just managed to get a swipe on me 

**Peter:** that involved him burying his knife in my shoulder?

**Peter:** i'm fine though!!!

**Tony:** If you aren’t at the tower in the next 3 ½ minutes then I’m grounding you

**Peter:** you can’t ground me?

**Tony:** Yes, but May can. And you know she will the moment she reads through this chat after she gets off work.

**Peter:** okayberightthereseeyousoonmisterstark

**Tony:** That’s what I thought.

  
  


**May:** PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

**May:** YOU ARE GROUNDED

**Peter:** it's not my fault someone else decided to stab me!

**May:** You.

**May:** Are.

**May:** Grounded.

**Peter:** okay aunt may

**Ned:** aw but we were gonna hang out this weekend

**May:** Ned, you and MJ can still come over this weekend but Peter will not be allowed to patrol for the next few days until I am positive that his stab wound is healed

**Peter:** i mean it's most healed already

**May:** Quiet, you 

**Peter:** okay, valid, gotcha

**Peter:** love you, aunt may

**May:** I  love you too, Peter. Just be more careful, okay?

**Peter:** i will

**May:** Alright kid, you're ungrounded.

**Peter:** wait really??

**May:** Yeah. I figure that if I ground you for the small stuff then you won’t actually listen to me when I ground you for the big stuff.

**May:** Besides, i would feel bad if you missed helping someone important because I grounded you.

**Peter:** may, have i told you recently that you're my favorite?

**Peter:** because you are

**Tony:** Rude

**Tony:** I thought I was your favorite?

**Peter:** oh uh

**Peter:** gotta go!

**Karen:** Peter Has Left His Apartment

**Karen:** He Is Running Very Fast Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i hope yall enjoy this chapter!! i loved writing it and im very excited for karen to be here bc i love her
> 
> remember that you can totally send me ideas and stuff for this fic! i might not get to them/do them if I feel like it wont fit with the fic but there is a lot of stuff that probably would fit so like! let me know!
> 
> feel free to follow me on tumblr too @kentuckyfriedbooks


	3. Disney Channel Protocol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony: Karen?
> 
> Karen: Peter Is Currently Engaged In Combat
> 
> Tony: Is he winning?
> 
> Karen: No. He Is Not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peter is honestly barely in this chapter

**Tony:** Peter. Christmas present. Amazon Wishlist.

**Peter:** uhh i don't have an amazon wishlist

**MJ:** i do

**MJ:** [ https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3P0DZIGRIZDIM ](https://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3P0DZIGRIZDIM)

**Tony:** Bold

**MJ:** You are a multi-billionaire capitalist who could buy my house with the spare change you find in your couch cushions. 

**MJ:** You can buy me a biography on Joni Michelle.

**Tony:** Point conceded.

**Ned:** Oh Mister Stark can I get a PS4 for Christmas?

**Tony:** No

**Ned:** :(

**Tony:** Fine.

**Ned:** yay!!!

**Tony:** Neither of you are the kid I want to be buying gifts for

**May:** Pay my rent for Christmas.

**Tony:** That is something I am entirely willing to do if you would ever LET ME

**May:** No.

**May:**  I was joking

**Tony:** May, please, just let me PAY THE DAMN RENT

**Tony:** It is the literal least I can do

**May:** Hard pass

**Ned:** ooooo gotem

**MJ:** #roasted

**Tony;** Where is Peter?

**MJ:** idk

**MJ:** ask karen

**Tony:** Karen?

**Karen:** Peter Is Currently Engaged In Combat

**Tony:** Is he winning?

**Karen:** No. He Is Not.

**Karen:** He Has Just Been Thrown From A Roof Top.

**Karen:** And Has Caught Himself

**Tony:** Jesus christ

**Karen:** Interesting. Peter Said That As Well.

**Karen:** With An Extra Word Included.

**Tony:** What word?

**Karen:** Fuck.

**Ned:** karen absolutely CANNOT SAY THAT

**Ned:** I DO NOT LIKE IT

**MJ:** i do

**MJ:** karen say it again

**Karen:** As You Wish.

**Karen:** Fuck.

**MJ:** hell yeah

**Tony:** Karen, initiate Disney Channel Protocol

**Ned:** what does that do???

**Tony:** It makes it so that everytime Peter curses, it's censored by the sound of birds tweeting.

**Ned:** omg

**Ned:** i want the audio for that

**Tony:** -sent attachment:Someone Get This Kid Some Soap Jesus.mp3-

**Ned:** thankyousomuchmisterstarkholycrap

**Tony:** You kids do realize that I'm not going to get angry if you call me Tony, right?

**MJ:** Stark.

**Tony:** Better than ‘mister stark’

**Tony:** ‘mister stark’ just makes me feel older than dirt

**May:** You are old

**Tony:** I'm only two years older than you!

**May:** Yet I look better, how weird

**MJ:** holy shit

**MJ:** tony stark is dead

**MJ:** stark industries will die within the week

**Tony:** Listen, we all know that Pepper will keep SI running long after I’m dead

**Tony:** Also, I am still super hot, May is just hotter

**Peter:** can you PLEASE stop hitting on my aunt????????

**Tony:** We can talk once you get your potty mouth in control

**Peter:** i was falling off a building!! I think that is a valid time to say fuck!

**Peter:** ......why did i just hear bird noises?

**MJ:** ahahahahahaha

**Peter:** :((((((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me what yall are interested in for this fic!! also, keep commenting, it Gives Me Life


	4. Peter Is Even Dumber Than We Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter: oh my god i'm so dumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeeeeeey yall! sorry that this one was a little slow getting up, im knee deep in Quiet week and finals so ive been a little busy but i hope yall enjoy this one!

**May:** Karen, where is Peter right now?

**Karen:** Peter Is Currently In Delmar’s Helping An Old Man Get Groceries

**Tony:** jeez kid

**May:** Karen, what time is it?

**Karen:** It Is Currently 5:23pm On Friday November 30th.

**May:** And where is Peter suppose to be right now?

**Karen:** Peter Is Suppose To Be At Home Having Dinner With You And Mister Stark To Discuss The Patrol Rules For Winter Break

**May:** Mhmmm he sure is

**May:** Karen, feel free to pass that info right on to Peter

**Karen:** Will Do

**May:** Thank you, Karen.

**Peter:** i’m sorry aunt may!! I totally lost track of time! Ill be there as soon i'm done helping this old man

**May:** Just hurry up, Peter. I'm afraid that if I sit here too long with just Stark he’ll start to  think this is a date

**Tony:** I KNOW THIS ISN'T A DATE. God.

**Tony:** I feel like all of you conveniently forget that I am literally engaged.

**Peter:** wait, you are?

**Tony:** You’re kidding me, right?

**Peter:** no???

**Tony:** Me and Pepper got engaged nearly six months ago, kid.

**Tony:** How did you not know that?

**Tony:** You were in the building when it happened

**Peter:** i was?

**Tony:** It was right after you turned down my offer to be in the avengers

**Tony:** had to do something with that press conference

**Peter:** .....that wasn't a test?

**Tony:** ......Did you actually think it was?

**Peter:** yes!!! oh my god!!

**Tony:** Well. Sorry kid

**Peter:** oh my god i'm so dumb

**Ned:** wait wait wait wait wait

**Ned:** peter

**Ned:** are you saying that you actually turned down an opportunity to BE IN THE AVENGERS

**Ned:** ARE YOU KIDDING ME PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

**Peter:** i didn't know it was an actual offer! I thought mister stark was testing me!

**Ned:** EITHER WAY, YES WAS THE CORRECT ANSWER

**MJ:** peter, you get dumber and dumber everyday in my eyes

**Peter:** :(

**May:** Peter, you have ten minutes to get here or else I’ll revoke your Ned privileges

**Ned:** May!!!

**May:** Sorry honey but you're the only thing he likes well enough that me revoking will get his attention

**Ned:** i don't know whether i should take that as a compliment or not :(

**MJ:** i personally take it as an insult

**May:** Sorry hun

**Peter:** okay, ill be there in two minutes!! And mister stark we are going to talk about this more!

**Tony:** see you in two, kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave me some comments to read! i love comments and they make it so i write more frequently!   
> also, if you have anything you want to see in this fic, let me know and ill try my best!  
> and as always, come hang out with me on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks  
> <3


	5. Reality Check

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter: i did not mean to text that  
> Peter: or that  
> Peter: karen, can i delete texts?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeey sorry for the delay on this one!!! It’s slightly more emotional than the last ones so I hope y’all enjoy it!!

**Ned:** listen, all i'm saying is that there is probably a lot of stuff that peter can do and we just don’t know yet!

**Peter:** give it a rest, ned! i'm not able to make my own web fluid!

**Ned:** but how do you /know/

**Peter:** i just do

**Peter:** plus, that would be nasty 

**Tony:** What are you two arguing about? 

**MJ:** Ned thinks that Peter has more powers that we just don’t know about yet. 

**MJ:** they’ve been bickering about it all day

**Ned:** there is no way that there isn’t more! you got bit by a radioactive spider and all you got was super strength and the ability to stick to walls?? no way

**Peter:** 1) I have more powers than that, come on. accelerated healing, remember??? 2) you’re acting like those things aren’t super cool already?? 3) RUDE

**Tony:** No, no, I think Ned has a point. We should try and catalogue your powers and their limits. We know you have super strength but exactly how strong are you? 

**Peter:** i know i'm like…...really strong?

**Peter:** strong enough to hold up a building

**Peter:** i did not mean to text that

**Peter:** or that

**Peter:** karen, can i delete texts?

**Karen:** Not After They’ve Been Sent, Peter

**Peter:** shit

**May:** …….

**Tony:** One, language, two, when did you hold up a building???

**Peter:** I didn’t!! it’s just a saying!!

**Karen:** I Have Not Found That Saying In My Databases

**Peter:** karen i love you but you are NOT HELPING

**Tony:** kid.

**Peter:** it’s not a big deal okay??

**Peter:** just ignore what i said please

**May:** Peter, when did you hold up a building?

**Peter:** ....

**Peter:** homecoming. 

**Peter:** when i followed vulture, we met in a warehouse. he was talking and the wings were flying around and i was dodging them really well i thought but they weren’t exacting aiming for me

**Peter:** the building came down on top of me.i was stuck and couldn’t get out and i ended up just….lifting the building off of me?

**Peter:** i'm okay though!! totally fine!! plus it sounds super badass now!!

**May:** Why didn’t you call for help?

**Peter:** well i uh

**Tony:** You couldn’t 

**Tony:** Because I had taken away your suit 

**Tony:** Jesus Fucking Christ 

**Peter:** it’s not your fault mister stark!! it was mine for going after the vulture when i didn’t have the suit!!

**Peter:** i should’ve just called you from the dance once i knew what was going on! 

**Peter:** mister stark?? 

**Peter:** are you there??

**May:** Give him a while, Peter. I think he might just been processing

**Peter:** okay…

**Ned:** yeah dude tbh that was kinda….a lot

**Ned:** like this chat is fun but i think we all just remembered that we have it bc you’re a superhero and….

**Ned:** sometimes things go wrong with superheroes 

**Ned:** and speaking as your best friend, that's scary

**Peter:** i guess so

**Peter:** if it makes you all feel better, that’s pretty much the worst thing that has happened to me so far as Spider-Man 

**MJ:** i can’t tell if that’s a comfort or not

**Peter:** to be honest, me either 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha how bout that? Don’t worry, there will be more discussion about this between the PPPP next chapter!   
> Let me know what you think about this in the comments or come visit me on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks before that website combusts lol


	6. A Rare Occurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony: Kid, you’re going to stress me out for the rest of my life  
> MJ: mood

**Tony:** Okay so it has been several hours now

**Tony:** and I am going to use this chat to do something I hate doing because Pepper says it will be “”””good”””” for me

**Tony:** She’s right but I hate it. 

**Tony:** Peter, I was wrong to take away your suit. 

**Tony:** I knew you well enough by then to know that that wouldn’t have stopped you in the slightest and while it technically did what I wanted it to with the tough love moment, it was also shitty and you ended up almost drying because of it. 

**Tony:** I’m sorry.

**May:** Oh my god I never thought I would live to see the day that Tony Stark legitimately and sincerely apologized. 

**May:** I’m proud of you.

**Tony:** I can take it back.

**May:** Oh no no, we already learned with Karen that you can’t delete texts. 

**Tony:** Shit.

**Peter:** it’s okay mister stark

**Peter:** it’s all under the bridge for me. like it happened, and was kinda horrible but i'm doing better now!

**Peter:** plus like, i don’t think i'm ever going to go out in that suit again tbh. it is probably a Bad Idea

**May:** If you ever go out in that suit again I’m going to ground you until you’re fifty 

**Peter:** yeah yeah yeah, thats fair

**Ned:** dude you should submit it to a museum or something!! that would be so cool!

**Peter:** hmm yeah maybe

**Peter:** but mister stark! i forgave you like, forever ago so you’re good! don’t stress about it!

**Tony:** Kid, you’re going to stress me out for the rest of my life

**MJ:** mood

**MJ:** oh btw peter if I catch you on your phone again during decathlon practice I will crush it in my bare hands 

**MJ:** same goes for you leeds 

**Peter:** afgkllsadjklhss OKAY BYE MAY BYE TONY LOVE YOU

**Ned:** MJ YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR HANDS HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS ALSDHDJLASLKSHSJSK

**May:** Oh boys

**Tony:** You have a good kid, May

**May:** No, Tony. 

**May:** We have a good kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all enjoyed this one! It’s a little shorter than I usually like these to be but oh well! I’m still really happy with this chapter!
> 
> I have no ideas on what to do next lol so please give me ideas and stuff and visit me @kentuckyfriedbooks on tumblr lol


	7. Worlds Are Clashing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony: My worlds are clashing and I do NOT like it  
> MJ: rip  
> MJ: that was sarcastic btw. You don't deserve my condolences, or to rest in peace  
> Ned: roasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeeeey remember when i updated this fic like.....weekly? rip that tbh
> 
> lots of new stuff in this chapter, i hope you enjoy it!

**Peter:** hey so like super quick question mister stark but

**Peter** : why didn’t you introduce me and harley?????

**Tony:** Harley Keener? As in Rose Hill Tennessee, Harley Keener?

**Tony:** How the fuck do you know who he is????

**May:** Language, Stark

**Tony:** Nope, screw that, I need answers right now. 

**Peter:** well he kind of messaged me on instagram? 

**Peter:** he heard that i was your intern and messaged me, asking about you!

**Peter:** he only kinda explained who he was. Something about a potato gun, mandarin and a mustang

**Peter:** i told him that i couldnt say much about you to him, nda’s and the fact that he was a stranger and everything and he said ‘thats valid’ and then we just started talking after that!

**Tony:** My worlds are clashing and I do NOT like it

**MJ:** rip

**MJ:** that was sarcastic btw. You don't deserve my condolences, or to rest in peace

**Ned:** roasted

**Tony:** I'm going to delete this stupid group chat one day

**Peter:** no you're not, you love us too much

**Tony:** Lies

**Peter:** :(

**Tony:** jesus christ, kid. 

**Peter:** back on topic! Why didn't you introduce me and harley????????? he's so cool!

**Ned:** oooooo peter’s got a CRUSH

**Peter:** i do not! You know i'm already taken, ned, don't be mean >:(((((((((((

**MJ:** yeah, leeds, don't be mean to poor poor peter

**Ned:** i would never dream of it ;)

**Tony:** wait wait wait, hold up.

**Tony:** since when are you dating someone, kid? What's their name?

**Peter:** uh

**Peter:** its ned and mj, mister stark

**Peter:** i'm dating ned and mj. i told you this like??? the day after it happened!

**Tony:** Nope, no way, I would remember if you told me that

**Peter:** i definitely told you

**Peter:** Pepper was there! she told me she was proud of me and couldnt wait to meet them!

**Ned:** awwwww i wanna meet miss pepper!!

**MJ:** Peter, if you don't take us to meet Pepper Potts soon, I will make your life very difficult

**Peter:** i'll try and find a time i promise!!!

**MJ:** Good

**Tony:** …….how did I honestly miss this?

**Peter:** i don't know, mister stark!

**Peter:** but at least you know now! 

**Tony:** Well,  I guess I’ll have to have all three of you over for dinner so Pepper can meet you

**Peter:** that should happen when harley is in town!!

**Tony:** How did you know about that? We havent even finished setting it up. I only asked him about it ten minutes ago!

**Peter:** he snapchatted me about it!

**Tony:** I hate technology 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope yall like this one!!! i lost inspiration for this fic earlier this month and it took me FOREVER to get anything on the page for this at all. That will probably become a theme in the coming months, so ill probably work towards what will kind of be the endgame for this fic (which i still have........very little ideas for oops)
> 
> also, i love peter/ned/mj and ill probably try and write stuff for them soon so stay tuned! or comment if you have any particular ideas for me to do for our three lovebirds <33333333
> 
> catch me @ kentuckyfriedbooks on tumblr and scream with me


	8. Peter Feels Nasty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ned: press f to pay respects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres a new chapter exactly a month after the last one lol
> 
> introducing my new favorite character: Drunk Peter

**Peter:** do you ever just 

**Peter:** look at your body and go whooooaaaaaa ihaveahumanform??????

**Peter:** i don't know if i like it or not :((((((((((((

**Peter:** i lvoe my body a lot more though it's really nice and it TREASTS ME SO WELKL

**Peter:** even though it decideddd to be mean and be not a boy at first >:(((((((((

**Peter:** BUT we got past that and now we are bros!!!! And it love it!!!!!!!!

**Peter:** and all i do is be mean to it i'm so sad :99999

**Peter:** that ws suppose to be a sad face

**Peter:** like :) only upside down and sad

**Peter:** BUT!!!!!!!!!!

**Peter:** I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH

**Peter:** SO SO MUCH YOU'RE ALL MY FAMILY AND I'M REALLY GLAD I HAVE YOU AND I LOVE YOU SO MCUH

**Tony:** Uh

**MJ:** ignore him

**Tony:** What’s going on?

**Ned:** well we conducted an experiment of sorts.

**Ned:** and we have learned that despite his enhanced immune system, peter, can in fact, get shitfaced

**Ned:** it just takes a LOT of work

**Tony:** Did you not think to ask before doing this “experiment”

**Peter:** WE DIDJDSJKDKSL:LKSDKJSJKFSJFSfdkabgsaijkkfefkjl

**MJ:** hes fine, but he did just almost vomit on his phone, so thats fun

**MJ:** but to clarify the point i think peter was attempting to make, we asked May before doing this

**Tony:** Where is May?

**Ned:** shes recording peter dancing to nothing right now

**Ned:** hes trying really hard

**Ned:** it's very cute

**MJ:** amen

**MJ:** wait hes crying now

**Peter:** I JUST LOVE YOU GYS SO MUCBJH

  
  
  


**Peter:** Karen, what time is it?

**Karen:** It is currently 11:27am Eastern Standard Time

**Peter:** i feel nasty

**Peter:** is this a hangover?

**Tony:** Yeah kid.

**Tony:** sucks to be you

**Peter:** ughhhhh

**Ned:** press f to pay respects

**MJ:** f

**Ned:** f

**May:** f

**Tony:** f

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so updates for this will probably get even slower now???? im kinda switching fandoms BUT i will try and do a few more chapters of this for as long as i can! i like using it as a warm up but WE SHALL SEE
> 
> if you have any ideas or prompts, let me know! and come visit me on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks


	9. Enter: Keener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May: I’ve made an executive decision  
> -May has added Harley Keener to the chat!-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see ahaha

**May:** I’ve made an executive decision

**-May has added Harley Keener to the chat!-**

**Tony:** Oh god NO

**Harley:** hey

**Harley:** what the fuck is this?

**Peter:** OMG HEY

**Peter:** also, may we are going to talk about how and why you have harley’s phone number when i didn't give it to u when i get home

**May:** Okay kiddo

**Harley:** again-what is this? 

**Tony:** my own personal nightmare is what it is

**Harley:** well good to know tony is here, complaining as much as ever

**Harley:** who are the rest of you? I don't have your contacts

**Peter:** i'm peter!

**Harley:** yeah i know that much. I have your number saved, parker

**Peter:** oh yeah

**May:** I’m Peter’s aunt May

**MJ:** MJ

**Ned:** and i'm ned! We’re dating peter

**Harley:** oh yeah he mentioned you two. Nice to finally meet you

**Ned:** good to meet you too!

**Harley:** so why am I in a group chat with a bunch of people I don't know?

**Harley:** (no offense, unless you're tony)

**Harley:** (tony, you can take as much offense as you deserve)

**May:** Well, if I’m being entirely honest, I wanted to see what happened if I added you

**Harley:** chaotic, I love it.

**MJ:** may, i now respect you even more than I already did. 

**May:** Oh good

**Tony:** May, what have I done to you to deserve this?

**May:** You Know

**Harley:** that was one of the most ominous things i've ever read, i'm loving it

**Harley:** hey, so where is parker anyways?

**Harley:** from the texts i've gotten from him hes usually bouncing off the walls talking

**Ned:** peter is busy right now

**Ned:** doing work

**Ned:** internship stuff

**Harley:** huh

**Harley:** i just figured he was patrolling or something

**Harley:** isnt that what competent, non-iron man heroes do?

**MJ:** Um?

**Ned:** patrolling? Peter isnt a superhero!!! What are you talking about dude?????

**Ned:** thats so funny!!!

**Harley:** so you're meaning to tell me that peter parker, a 17 year old working for Stark Industries in a position that did not exist until like, a year ago,is seen frequently with Iron Man and has top level access for both the Tower and the Compound, isnt Spiderman?

**Harley:** yall are fucking with me, right?

**Tony:** holy shit, kid

**Tony:** how did you find out he has top level access? Thats classified

**Harley:** I guessed your password

**Harley:** it wasn't a super complicated one. Literally peppers birthday

**Peter:** ahahahahahaha tony, i know you love ms potts but thats a really bad password!

**Tony:** shut it pete, don't text and swing

**Peter:** i'm not, karen is dictating for me!

**Harley:** karen?

**Karen:** Hello Harley. I Am Peter’s Personal AI System. I Am Interfaced Throughout His Suit, Phone And Rooms At Both Stark Tower And The Avengers Compound. I Have Tracking Capabilities, But Only By Those Authorized By Both Tony And Peter, And Only Via Request By Those Other Than Tony. 

**Harley:** alright stark, ill give you that one. Karen is cool as hell

**Tony:** Thank you! For once, Keener

**Harley:** “for once” my ass, i saved your life

**Tony:** details, details

**Harley:** yeah who cares

**Harley:** i gotta go pick up my sister from school, so ill talk to you guys later

**Harley:** thanks for keeping tony in check. Dude deserves to be knocked down about 13 pegs

**Peter:** no problem! It's fun to mess with him

**Tony:** betrayed by sons

**Tony:** what else is fucking new

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hey yall  
> idk when the next chapter is gonna be! or if there will be a next one! who on earth knows  
> well, I do, technically but i rlly dont  
> All i know is that I still really love this fic and I hope to get a few more chapters out before I offically end it, so if there is ANYTHING yall wanna see, now is the time!!!!!!
> 
> alright, catch ya later!
> 
> oh and follow me on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks


	10. Another Form Of Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: theres talks of tranasphobia in this! nothing descriptive, just flash being a shit head
> 
> this chapter is fully dedicated to @crypticgemini because I read their text fic and I fell in love and here we are
> 
> ALSO THE FAR FROM HOME TRAILER HOLY SHIT

**Peter:** what if i dropped out of school and dedicated all of my time to punching transphobes? 

**Peter:** starting with decking Eugene “Flash” Thompson

**Peter:** because that dude can HONESTLY CHOKE

**Peter:** this….is not the chat i meant to send this to

**Peter:** may, mr stark, harley, you can ignore those messages, they are largely irrelevant. 

**Harley:** didn't sound that irrelevant to me.

**Harley:** you good?

**Peter:** yeah, i guess

**Peter:** just some dude at school was giving me shit. He’s not exactly a fan of trans people

**Harley:** you said his name was Eugene Thompson?

**Peter:** yeah?

**Harley:** cool

**Peter:** Harley? What are you doing?

**Harley:** well

**Harley:** he soon goin to be getting a copy of the book of mormon that is triggered to explodes three full pounds of super fine glitter upon being opened in the mail

**Harley:** oh and he’s failing his english class now

**Harley:** though it looks like he was already pretty close to doing that. Got a 55% percent on his last essay

**Peter:** oh my GOD

**MJ:** i had to edit it. It was one of the worst things i've ever read in my entire life

**MJ:** straight up titled “why ophelia’s deserved to die”

**MJ:** his thesis statement was “she led him on”

**Harley:** nasty

**Harley:** this dude can go choke, you're right, peter

**MJ:** peter

**Peter:** yeah?

**MJ:** me and ned are gonna come to your apartment and we are gonna watch all of the original trilogy and talk about how trans luke skywalker is

**MJ:** also, ned is driving but he says “i would say that flash can go suck a dick but he doesn't deserve the honor”

**MJ:** be there in 10

**Harley:** roasted

**Harley:** your boyfriend and girlfriend are cool as fuck, parker

**Peter:** yeah, they are :’)

**May:** i'm going to call your principle again

**Peter:** noooooo may it's okay, you don't have to call mortia. I can handle this it's okay

**May:** too late, i just talked to his secretary and me and him are gonna have a meeting tomorrow morning before school

**May:** Flash’s parents are invited too. I do love speaking to them >:)

**Tony:** I’m going to come with

**Tony:** Also, May, that use of an emoji was terrifying

**May:** Thank you, Tony!

**Peter:** Mr Stark, nooooooo please don't go with may tommorow, you really don't have to

**Tony:** Kid.

**Tony:** You’re right, I don't have to. But I want to. You should be safe at school from little shit heads who try and give you shit for being who you are. You do a lot of crazy dangerous things outside of school that you shouldn’t have to feel unsafe at school, the way that this kid is making you feel. It isnt right.

**Tony:** Besides, it's been a while since I’ve gotten to yell at someone

**Tony:** whats the point of being rich and having a bunch of useless power if it means that I can’t use it for things like this?

**Peter:** I love you guys. A whole lot.

**May:** We love you too, Pete. So much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks


	11. Offline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ned: Karen, any updates to give?   
> Karen: The Spider Suit Is Now Offline!  
> Ned: wait what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahahaha

**MJ:** hey karen 

**Karen:** Yes?

**MJ:** peter is out patrolling right?

**Karen:** Affirmative

**MJ:** alright 

**MJ:** where is he? 

**Karen:** Peter Is Currently Heading Down Atlantic Avenue, Just Passing 127th

**May:** Something up, kiddo? 

**MJ:** just heard something weird over the police scanner 

**Tony:** Do you regularly listen to police scanners? 

**MJ:** my uncles a cop and likes keeping track of his friends when they are out working. i can hear it through the apartment walls

**Tony:** Interesting. What did you hear?

**MJ:** reports of a shooting at 97th and 124th

**Harley:** isn’t that like, pretty close to where Parker is? 

**Ned:** kind of, yeah. like 6 blocks 

**Harley:** think he knows there’s been shots?

**MJ:** Karen probably told him if he didn’t hear them himself 

**May:** Let’s not worry, y’all. It’s Peter, he’s so far been really good at staying safe and for the most part keeping out of big trouble

**Ned:** that’s true! and he doesn’t get in over his head much anymore

**Tony:** Kid still tries. Gonna give me a serious heart attack

**MJ:** get in line, Stark 

**May:** yeah I think you might be preaching to the choir on that one, Tony

**Tony:** Yeah probably 

**Tony:** Any updates on that police scanner of yours, MJ?

**MJ:** my uncle turned it off

**Tony:** That's fine, I can just check Pete’s suit readings 

**Ned:** or!!!! we can ask Karen!!!

**Ned:** Karen, any updates to give? 

**Karen:** The Spider Suit Is Now Offline!

**Ned:** wait what 

**Tony:** oh shit 

**May:** Tony? What does that mean? 

**Tony:** It means that something caused the suit to go offline without Peters authorization 

**Tony:** Karen, what was made the suit go offline?

**Karen:** Extreme Structural Damage Has Caused The Mainframe Of The Suit To No Longer Have Access To Stark Servers 

**Tony:** fuck 

**Tony:** Karen, send Peters last known coordinates to me

**Karen:** Yes Boss

**MJ:** karen, if the suit can't connect to stark servers, how are you able to talk to us?

**Karen:** I Am Still Accessible Since I Am Hardwired Through Both The Tower And Peter’s Phone

**Ned:** if i wasn't really really scared right now that would be really cool

**May:** Tony, updates?

**May:** Tony, I swear to god if you don't respond to this I am going to make you regret ever being born.

**Harley:** May, give me a second and I’ll hack back into FRIDAY and see whats going on

**May:** okay. Thank you, Harley

**Harley:** okay, so hes currently flying back to the tower

**Harley:** at top speed 

**MJ:** fuck

**Ned:** Harley, can you get us any other information?

**Harley:** uhh he sent out a signal for the medbay to be prepared and he did a preliminary scan of peter but i don't have much beyond that

**May:** Okay, kids, I am going to drive to The Tower right now and help get this all sorted, okay?

**May:** Ned, MJ, do you want me to send call Happy and get him to come pick you up?

**Ned:** yes please, may

**MJ:** tell him to go straight to neds. My uncle will drive me over there.

**May:** Okay, sweetheart.

**May:** Happy’s ETA is 20 minutes

**May:** Harley, thank you for getting into FRIDAY for us

**Harley:** yeah, no problem. Do you want me to stay logged into FRIDAY?

**May:** Will looking at it stress you out?

**Harley:** maybe?

**May:** Then log off. Me or Tony will give you updates

**Harley:** okay

**Harley:** thank you, may

**May:** Of course, honey

**May:** Now, I want all three of you to listen to me

**May:** Whatever this is, Peter will make it through. Try not to stress too much, okay? 

**May:** Everything will be okay, I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS I HOPED YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER  
> tbh, ive been waiting to write this chap pretty much since i started this fci but i havent until now  
> dont worry tho yall, pete's gonna be just fine. like actually. i dont derive any pleasure from fics where characters die (give me hurt with extra comfort or DIE) so im not gonna write that lol  
> also, the bit abt MJ's uncle listening to the police scanner is high key a refrence to @cionaraa's Spidey Of The Nine-Nine fics WHICH ARE SO SO GOOD YALL!!!!! Ill drop the link in the comments lol
> 
> next chap should be up soon!
> 
> chat w/ me abt it on my tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks


	12. just like SUPEER adfjljgkjakgahhkhklapg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter: heeeeeeeeeyeeeeyyeyeyye did you know that sometimes painkillers can make you real lkdjkldaksajhfds  
> Peter: just like SUPEER adfjljgkjakgahhkhklapg

**Peter:** heeeeeeeeeyeeeeyyeyeyye did you know that sometimes painkillers can make you real lkdjkldaksajhfds

**Peter:** just like SUPEER adfjljgkjakgahhkhklapg

**Harley:** oh hey you're not dead

**Peter:** HARLEY

**Peter:** I LARB U

**Peter:** THANKS FOR LETTING PEOPLE KNOW WHAT WAS OING; ON

**Harley:** no problem buddy 

**Harley:** though i wish they would do the same for me

**Harley:** like what happened to you?

**Tony:** Sorry, about that kiddo. We didn't mean to leave you in the lurch on info. I got Pete back to the Tower and he had to go into surgery right away and then MJ and May and Ned all showed up and we had to get everything handled on that end.

**Tony:** But, Peter is alright and on a looooooot of painkillers right now. He also just went back to sleep so thats why hes not saying anything anymore

**Harley:** what happened to him?

**Tony:** He got shot in three places and essentially run over by a truck

**Harley:** what the actual fuck

**Tony:** Pretty much, yeah.

**Tony:** Like I said though, he’ll be okay though. Cho said hes gonna make a full recovery. He might have a little scarring from where he got shot but Pete said, and I qoute, “ill look like a badass, hell yeah” so i think it will all be okay

**Harley:** that dude is too casual about being injured if his first though is “at least i get a cool scar from it”

**Tony:** yeah, it's weird. Weird, weird kid

**Harley:** it's alright, you're a weird, weird old man

**Tony:** I am not old.

**Harley:** where is everyone else?

**Tony:** May is asleep on the couch in Peters recovery room and Ned and MJ are trying to play a card game or something in the corner to distract themselves. Both of their phones are charging somewhere.

**Harley:** Okay. Is everyone doing okay?

**Tony:** Okay enough. It was a little scary

**Harley:** well yeah, no shit it was scary

**Harley:** I'm 715 miles away and I was fucking scared. I couldnt do a damn thing to help my friend and then everyone went radio silent and i was just….here. In rose hill. 715 miles away

**Tony:** I'm sorry, Harley.

**Harley:** god, parker really is a good influence on you, tony. You're out here apologizing left and right. 

**Tony:** What can I say?

**Tony:** He’s a good kid.

**Harley:** yeah, I know.

**Harley:** let me know how hes doing when he wakes up again, alright?

**Tony:** Will do, Kid

**Harley:** also, let me know when hes not fucked up on painkillers anymore

**Harley:** i wanna yell at him for getting hurt but i want him to remember it

**Tony:** get in line, kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told ya i wouldnt keep ya waiting! i hope yall enjoyed this chapter and harley-centric emotions fest its been
> 
> ive been reading a LOT of harley centric fics recently but i want more so if you have any recs, dump em in the comments or in my inbox on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks
> 
> catch ya on the flip side!!


	13. ......tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter: ……tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is almost entirely irondad content pls enjoy

**Tony:** Hows your first day back at school, kid?

**Peter:** i'm okay!!!!!

**Peter:** why are you asking that in the group chat?

**MJ:** thats a lie

**Ned:** well, only kind of.

**Ned:** we made him take a nap during lunch because he was doing that thing where he refuses to admit hes tired but each of his blinks last like 4 seconds

**Ned:** he used mj’s jacket as a pillow and mine as a blanket and fell asleep his with turkey sandwich in his hand

**Ned:** it was honestly adorable

**Peter:** nedddd why would you betray me like this

**Ned:** not a betrayal, just telling the truth to the man who is LITERALLY in charge of watching out for you health and wellness.

**Tony:** And this is exactly why I asked in the group chat, kid

**Tony:** because you have it in your head that you aren't allowed to admit that you aren’t feeling okay

**Tony:** no one's gonna think less of you if you're still recovering

**Tony:** much less us

**Peter:** :,)

**Peter:** thanks mister stark

**Tony:** kid, cmon with the mister stark stuff

**Peter:** ……tony

**Tony:** THERE WE GO!!! ABOUT FUCKING TIME

**Tony:** ONLY TOOK US ABOUT 3 YEARS TO GET THERE, GOD DAMN

**Peter:** mister stark, if you keep making a big deal about this, i'm never gonna call you tony for the rest of your life

**Tony:** If you do that I’ll exclusively call you mister parker

**Peter:** bullshit, as it is you can barely remember to call me peter. You only call me kid, kiddo or pete

**Tony:** fair point

**Peter:** :P

**Tony:** But I’ll put in an effort to only call you by your last name if you don't start actually calling me Tony

**Peter:** ://////////

**Peter:** Fine

**Tony:** fine who?

**Peter:** Fine…..Tony

**Tony:** perfect

**MJ:** Peter, I will hurl your fucking phone from the highest window of the tower if you don't get off it right now during decathalon

**Peter:** akdhdahhdahghgahahgahahgh;g SORRY MJ I LOVE YOU BYE TONY

**Tony:** Damn, you really have him wrapped around your finger

**MJ:** obviously

**MJ:** i have everyone wrapped around my finger

**MJ:** including you

**MJ:** buy me concert tickets

**Tony:** yeah alright, send me the link

**MJ:** emailed

**Tony:** bought

**MJ:** nice

**MJ:** now fuck off, i have a practice to run

**Tony:** yeah, okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as usual, come kick it with me @kentuckyfriedbooks on tumblr and ALSO!!!! give me fic recs in the comments and in my ask box pretty pls


	14. finals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ: 🤷

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys......finals are gonna kill me i think maybe

**Harley:** pardon my language but finals can eat my entire BUTTHOLE

**Peter:** god, if that isnt the whole entire mood huh

**Peter:** ned is currently laying comatose on my bed after studying for our astronomy final for 4 hours straight

**Peter:** he keeps muttering something about doppler shifts and black dwarfs

**Peter:** it would be cute if it wasn't so fucking weird

**Harley:** god, i wish i was studying for astronomy. I'm writing an essay and just nothing is going right and my brain is doing this dumb thing where it doesn't focus on a damn thing and it sucks

**Peter:** wait

**Peter:** does your brain feel kinda cloudy and you WANT to be working and you know that if you could just focus you would be able to do it?

**Harley:** thats pretty spot on. How did you know that, parker?

**Peter:** dude, thats what my ADHD feels like! You might have ADHD too!

**Harley:** i thought ADHD meant you were like, super hyper and easily distracted? Because i'm not that. Sure, i have a hard time focusing on things like this but when i'm focused, it's like a laser focus, ya know?

**Peter:** only some people get the hyper part of ADHD. and getting super focused on things is another part of ADHD called a hyper fixation! It's when you get so focused on something that you like, can't focus on anything else

**Harley:** oh

**Harley:** i was like that with cars for a long time

**Peter:** my big one when i was young was iron man actually ahahahahahaha

**Harley:** don't say that, it will go to tony’s head

**Peter:** tony’s in paris with pepper right now, hes not gonna be reading this chat

**MJ:** gross

**Peter:** not like that, mj!!!!!!!!!! don't be nasty!!!!!!

**MJ:** 🤷 

**MJ:** wake ned up, i'm bringing pizza

**Peter:** okay!!

**MJ:** also, harley, you should get tested for adhd. It can be helpful i hear

**Peter:** oh yeah!! I got tested and i take some meds to help and it's been really helpful for me!!

**Harley:** i don't know if they have stuff like that in rose hill. Sounds too fancy for us

**MJ:** well then, get tested for it when you're in new york in a few weeks. Stark can foot the bill

**Harley:** thats…...a good point actually

**Harley:** you said it helped you?

**Peter:** oh yeah!!! It helped me a bunch

**Peter:** like, it didn't do much at first but it was really really helpful once it got started. It helped me pick up a lot of my grades because i could finally actually do homework!

**Harley:** ill think about it then.

**Peter:** NICE!!!

**MJ:** if you need someone to read through your essay i can do it i guess, later

**Harley:** that would be…..great actually. Thanks MJ

**MJ:** whats family for i guess

**Peter:** :00000000

**Peter:** GOD this family…..my HEART

**MJ:** shut it, parker

**Peter:** valid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so heres whats up  
> im knees deep in finals week over here and after my last final on thursday, im leaving to go work at a summer camp so i doubt theres gonna be very frequent updates at all during the summer unless i write one on my days off but idk yet yall. i might try and get one more chapter out before i leave but its all up in the air, so we shall see, okay?  
> but as usual, if you need anything, feel free to comment or message me @kentuckyfriedbooks on tumblr!  
> have a good summer!

**Author's Note:**

> so i dont really have any concrete plans for this, so please comment or message me on tumblr @kentuckyfriedbooks some ideas/things you would like to see out of this fic! it can be literally anything


End file.
